you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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