I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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