did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
