I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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