Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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