There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
