i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
