She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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