the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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