peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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