No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
