I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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