I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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