If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
