If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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