I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
