you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Randomize
