a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
