If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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