I intend to get homeless drunk
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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