my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
