dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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