I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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