I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
