apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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