U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
