The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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