but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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