Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
