she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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