i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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