Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
