kristin has been a bad kristin
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Even my vagina gasped.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
