one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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