o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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