Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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