Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
