You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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