i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
