So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
