i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
