ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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