i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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