so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
