rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
