I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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