I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
