I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
