at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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