The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
