life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
