He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
