why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
