I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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