do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
