he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
