You're earring is so big in my mouth
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
