I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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