I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
