I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
