This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
