M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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