I should be sponsored by Trojan
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
