thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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