Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So here I am, sexting at work.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
