Umm I'm too high to move.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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