Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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