guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
