Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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